Some feel that autistic folk do not show emotion, cannot feel deeply or are unable to express love. I disagree. I know that when I love someone, or something, my whole being goes into that feeling. Sadly, what others see and experience does not match what is commonly expected as ‘love’. My kind of love ends up being wrong, incomplete, obsessive, unwanted or laughed at. I get told no one asked for my love, so I should just stop giving it, or accept it will be dropped like rubbish.
Kind mental health professionals tell me to divert my love to where it will be appreciated. I am running out of options here! After a life time of my love not wanted, I am no longer sure of where it might be safe to express it.
I have been willing to do pretty much anything for those I love. All I really wish for is an appreciative person, group etc, to welcome my brand of love. I can assure you it might be quirky and lop sided love, but it is wholesome, plentiful and well intentioned.
I love my work place SO much more than it loves me. I am keen to upskill, practice, work for lower wages, develop myself, use all my energy to make it a more progressive, successful business. It isn’t wanted or valued. At all.
I love Singapore and Asia with every cell in my body, but I have never found a way to make these places home. I had to leave Singapore and Indonesia because their governments had rules I could not match.
Unless someone or some group has a need for someone, they are generally not wanted. I may be wrong in that line of thinking, but I am certain most people work from this logic. That means I am not welcomed, no matter how big my love and my determination to apply myself out of that love.
I’d gladly do community and civic work in Singapore, contribute to its rich culture, take on customs and ethos in line with what is required of a Singaporean, but that means nothing without $2.5 million US to invest, OR being cheap labour to benefit a local company and accept revolting working conditions.
I have stopped loving for now, for I have no place to allow my love to flourish. I do live in hope, that one single day, someone might just say, ‘Hey, that love is AWESOME! Can I share it with you?’.