I didn’t take any time off work this Christmas period. I had only the public holidays, but those few days gave me room to think and pause my life. I need times like this to regroup, understand and reflect on what I have and what repercussions I am facing.
I have come to understand I have allowed myself to fall head first into a victim mentality. I had hoped to be saved by someone and have them advocate for me. By reading up on tbe Men’s Rights groups, and the socio-psycho dynamics around it, I saw a corollation between them and myself.
It is very hard to articulate without access to a PC, as I am typing this on my mobile phone, but the crystal clarity in which I suddenly saw myself made me aware I need to change. And fast. I hate the image of myself others are seeing me as. I do not respect the woman I am right now.
So, I need to set myself an agenda; a goal. I am not sure I will be a mechanic for the rest of my working career, but time has surely come for me to utilise my survival skills to thrive. I am sick of being at the behest of my current situation. I feel I am sat upon by everyone else’s judgements, comments and expectations. It is not like me to let it accumulate. I must dump it all on the ground and determine my own life.
I know I need to travel, but I am increasingly scared of being alone and penniless as I age. The cruel reality is that I may well be. Yet, there is that bugging idea I am missing out on life.
I am more confused than ever, I suppose, but sitting in my own self imposed cell isn’t an option I am keen to maintain. I am not a victim; I am not a pessimist; I am not a door mat; I am not a loser.
I may not be aware of what I actually am, but I know there is more to me than sitting, burdened by others’ thoughts of me. So, I am going off all social media and working on my daily attitude and wiping all the muck off me.
It is a start. I have learned it simply cannot be like this forever.